three july
twelve : oh-one a.m.

"i'm thinking, a job is a [boy]friend and a [boy]friend is a job, and i'm thinking about how a date is an interview, how you lay out your clothes the day before, how you get a couple more hours of sleep, how you take two showers, how you wear your best shoes, how you're especially nice. you're actually thinking about the things you're saying, and it's paying off : they seem to like you, and you're happy to be with them. you're in, and when you're in, you either want to get deeper or you want to get out. they're saying, yes, we're choosing you over the others. in turn you perform to the best of your ability. you do lots of little extra things for them, because you want to keep them, because you want them to like you more than they like anybody else in the world. and then, they like you, and then, it's not a challenge anymore, and then, i just don't care anymore. becoming's better than being, success ruins challenge, and if they don't like me anymore, fine. good. but i don't tell them that. i let it show, subtly, maybe unconsciously. i stop doing those little extra things, like being there for them when they need me. this is easier. i hope they end it for me, so i scribble shapes in thick black marker, color them in with highlighters and leave the paper where somebody will find it. then, that's too passive so i just stop showing up."

and i agree, and i don't want to be involved in either of the two.




listen : bright eyes