08.JULY.2018
6:15P

there is someone, a forever someone, a perfect, supportive, wants to marry me, unimaginable, i-don't-deserve-this someone.
but you reappeared - briefly, from a distance, i have't seen you in a year - and it's never going to stop and i'm never going to stop and i keep thinking about your hair

__________

All of my poems are about the same thing
and it’s your fault.
Teeth and hands, something about
forgetting, eventually, and then the sky.
Always the sky.
I wonder why I bother with writing
at all.
I can’t drink coffee anymore because it makes me throw up and I’m pretty sure at least half of me is dying.
Where have you been?
This poem is not for you, but maybe it is.
Last time I saw you I made it a point not to touch you, and this all
could have turned out differently if I had,
but I can’t worry about that now.
You are beyond a song stuck in my head.
You are the reason I tie my hair in knots
and why my parents think I’m crazy.
Apparently black holes can bend light
when they pass through it,
so now I’m wondering if you have one
resting chaotic in your belly,
because I am twisted like metal in a car crash just thinking about you touching me.
I can’t decide if this poem is angry or pathetic or something entirely different.
All I know is I spend too much time
imagining your fingers and how they would flutter while you play the piano.
Sometimes I pretend my spine
is a keyboard, and you run a scale up
my back, just to see if I’m in tune.
My world is so full of you that
the hum of the ocean even sounds like your name.
One day, it will be better.
I will put the pen down and forget
how to remember the nights I tried
to write you out of my system like
an addiction.
It will be remarkable and I’ll
still want to call you."

Caitlyn Siehl, Bend the Light